When I woke up I was hungry. I was set on getting food stupid, so I drove to Market Square to partake of some Steamboat yummy sandwiches. Honestly, I was more in my mood for a Chicken Pita and Salad from Tomato Head, but lord knows I'd feel silly eating in a crowded restaurant by myself.

I had to get food stupid by myself on account that I don't have any friends in real life.

This is an inconvenient truth.

So I had to run in and get a sandwich knowing full well the place was closing in 7 minutes. I felt like kind of a douche when approaching the girl that was obviously cleaning in preparation of closing.

I got my sandwich to go; not because I wanted it to go. My car was almost a block away and I really would have felt better eating in the place, but again; they were closing shortly and I didn't want to feel like a douche. So I went outside and walked around looking for a nice place to eat a sandwich; but I couldn't find one. So I ended up eating it on a bench in the rain. It was still nice.

I love the rain.

Afterwards I went our local bar/clubhouse and got drunk. Which was weird.

I thought about those pro/con lists you make when you're trying to compare a potential mate to another. I decided it would be introspective to make one for myself. Here we go:

Pros:
Good Bathroom manners.
Can Walk without Falling Down (Sometimes).
Football Savant. (I am reassured this is a Pro and not a Con).
2nd Base Slut.

Cons:
No Job.
No Friends.
Insane.
Galacticly Incapable of Friend-have.
2nd Base Slut.

Everything ended nicely.

I'm sleepy.

Sometimes I think "Are you working on building towards a romantic relationship or just hanging out with a girl with self-control issues?"

Then I'm like: "Well, can't it be both?"

-I miss Erin. There's all this free agent action in the NFL and I don't have anyone to talk football with. Not to mention the whole "Chris Webber sending back a steak because they didn't have steak sauce" thing. We could have a field day with that.

-Are you ever just kind of lounging around the internet and find a porn site so weird that it doesn't seem real? I found one of those today. But then you can't really talk to anyone about it because they'll think you're into weird shit.

-I find myself zoning out at work and before I know it I've read about ants on Wikipedia for three hours.

-I am into the weird shit.

-I'm trying to do a comic book with my friend Rebecca. I think it's going pretty good. If this doesn't work out I'm going to have to find something else that's useless to spend my money on.

That's all for now.

I spend most of my days at work reading Wikipedia articles. Today I mostly read about failed British Commando raids in World War 2 and also lots of articles about the USSR. The USSR is one of my most common reading subjects; specifically on the Russian Civil War and the Soviet Space Program, but I also read about the old USSR hockey league and Soviet fighter planes (as well as contemporary Russian Fighters; the Su-27 Flanker being my favorite.

I also read about censorship, namely in the former Soviet Union and North Korea.

After working at my job for a while and goofing off on the internet I expect to slowly develop the knowledge equal to a college degree or at least enough knowledge so I win at trivia every time.

I bought the new Times New Viking CD today.

Times New Viking in Nashville on the 4th. I'm excited. It's the first time they've played within 3 hours of me in a long long time.

I've lost 30 pounds since February.

I'm tired of writing. Well, honestly, I'm just regular tired.

I hadn't been in awe of a girl for a while.

It didn't start with some wanton gaze across a crowded room. It didn't start as a reaction to uncompromising gorgeousness. It didn't start because when she's in a room she's the only thing I see. It isn't that she has a smile that would melt the hearts of robots. It wasn't physical at all, actually.

It's odd, because she has an abundance of natural beauty and her dress is such a strange marriage of elegance with highlights of mundane splendor, but that's not what started it.

It started because of a friend's story and her reaction to the story. I saw emotion and genuine concern over something that she had a reaction to on principle alone. Only then did I notice she was really tall and it would probably be really awesome to be held by her.

I had never thought about it before and there was no reason. I mean, there's no point in saying we're not in the same league. It isn't even close. I'm like, minor league and she isn't even Major League Baseball. She's in the imaginary trans-dimensional all-star league in heaven. Where Jackie Robinson, Thor, Babe Ruth, Godzilla, and that car from Knight Rider all play baseball.

I'm just glad I got to be in awe of a girl for just a bit.

I miss it. It's been a long time since anything has glimmered in my eye and danced about my thoughts.

It always seems hopeless.

And this might be a case where Larissa is right when she's like "I don't know if you'd know what to do with her" because I can't imagine any part of me that she would be interested in.

When I say "parts of myself" I don't mean my wang or anything like that.

Pervert.

I was eating a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats today.

I thought: This reminds me of Laurel. She was the best sham friend I ever had.

All good delusions must come to an end.

Larissa's birthday was fun. I can't figure out if I'm hungover or if my allergies are bothering me.

Why can't it be both?

Is this happening again?

Sometimes I find myself playing games. The rules and boundaries aren't explained. I suspect they're made up as I'm pulled along; and I'm more than happy to play along.

This is happening again.

I love someone. I love the way they make me feel. I love the way they move. I love their enthusiasm.

This can't happen again.

I love so many people. Sometimes I wonder if it makes it meaningless. I wonder how I'm capable of such wide-ranging and often conflicting feelings about people.

Most of all; I can't say the words. Which is weird. For someone that has no problem being in love with everything and being in love with nothing instantaneously I have a difficult time making confessions.

This is definitely happening again.

My life feels like the night sky; cold and empty with brilliantly bright pretty spots that seem so far away and they never last more than 12 hours. Unless I'm at the North Pole? Look, I don't know how it works either.

It ain't easy, being neurotic.

I had a pretty good night last night. I went to a show. I had fun with friends. I talked to complete strangers; or at least a complete stranger.

Most importantly of all the things I did; I got a Courtney hug. It isn't just that Courtney is extremely pretty and charming and funny; it's that she's tall. Extremely tall. Plus, she's got these big long arms and I want the big long arms to wrap around me and hold me. Literally since the moment I met her I've wanted a Courtney hug.

I'm not sure how I can explain how this isn't a Todd is Girl Crazy thing. I don't want to be Courtney's boyfriend or anything. (Not that I would object to such a thing at all. It just isn't the base of my desire. Plus she's super hot. It would be completely implausible.) I just want Courtney to hold me. I want her to wrap her arms around me and I want to feel warm and safe and excited. I want this to last as long as possible; maybe forever.

During my second Courtney hug I muttered out loud "Courtney, you're exquisitely pretty".

I've said similar things to girls before, but this was different. I didn't mean to. I just got caught up in the moment and it literally slipped out.

Then I felt embarrassed for a long time. It was nice to get something I always wanted. Even if it wasn't as a big or long or dramatic or tight as I imagined it.

I did lots of other stuff too. I had a good fifteen minute conversation with a girl I didn't know. It was good because I didn't feel that shy or awkward the whole time. Being a Sagittarius now I have decided that I can now talk to people that I don't know.

I've decided a lot of things.

It's almost five. I should do something productive for a bit before I go do something. I'm thinking boxing up some stuff for my forthcoming move.

I've been suffering from Writer's Block and delusions and also the dreaded "Nintendo Thumb".

My friend Dan got me a pen and journal for my birthday. I've been wanting to write in it but there is also this pressure to write something good in it.

I also took it as a cosmic hint to stop writing things here.

I'm going to ignore any and all cosmic signs about everything. Forever.

There have been developments in my life. They are as follows;

1. I bought an iPod. Mainly because I need something to listen to/do while I'm participating in adult sleep-overs because I can never fall asleep. Well, adult Sleep-overs sounds too sexy. I meant to say "When I'm rolling around on my friends floor while I'm very drunk I need something to entertain me so I don't try to break any of their various Knickknacks or consumer electronics.


2. I'm a Sagittarius now. Deal with it!

3. I'm not depressed anymore with the exception of all those times I'm depressed.

4. I'm unstoppable at Fallout-3 as soon as I get the Combat Shotgun.

5. I have a weakness for big Bambi-eyes. I did not know this.

6. 11 > 4.

7. I'm comfortable enough to do things by myself again. (This is weird.)

That's about it. Nothing Earth shattering. Well, except that giant Earth Shattering Laser that I'm building in my spare time.

It'll probably go unfinished; like all of my projects.